Bridget Jones’ Diary The film is 20 years old this week! Sorry for ruining your weekend and making you feel old remembering seeing the movie when it first released …
Well, while happily for Christmas we could see our favorite Chardonnay-soaked girl sucks a little by the time we die, there’s no denying that the movie has aged.
From overt sexism in the workplace to Bridget’s attitude towards relationships and marriage, it would be a whole different movie to be made today …
1. Bridget Jones’ diary – the diary itself
Write on paper? In a book? Just for you to ever see? If only! Bridget would have been all over the internet instead, turning her insecure, self-obsessed forays into partying “Keeping It Real” and “Doing You” (honey) – she would have a blog and Instagram account called #JustAsIAm, with 3 million sisters following the whole world.
She would likely go viral on TikTok for singing Chaka Khan drunk with big pants on her head (#queengoals). And an image of her naked body with all its “wobbly parts” would be projected onto the Houses of Parliament sponsored by L’oreal (because it’s worth it = we all are).
2. “Hellooooo Mummy”
The PC warriors had Daniel’s eyes gouged out to reveal his Oedipus complex when he saw Bridget’s giant pants.
In 2020, Bridget wouldn’t even wear the shaping knickers (aside from her head for comedy value) because she’d be proud of how she looks and what the “curves” of her body look like: a man would take her the way she is is, or miss her candy (a word she would learn from Gemma Collins, who would become a friend after hanging out at many influencer events celebrating “real women”).
3. Darcy and Cleaver love tugs
She fluttered between these two men so that every time one of them turned her down, she would have a pathetic plan for her battered self-esteem? Sod that.
Why should she let the same two men shit on her when she could hit a lot more to mistreat them on Tinder? After all, variety is the spice of life. Of course, she would convince herself that this is a liberating way to have the best chance of finding her perfect match.
Or maybe they’d all agree to a polyamorous throuple … Darcy and Cleaver went to boarding school, they have to be in shape.
4. Mock Darcy’s Christmas sweater
The dashing lawyer was ridiculed for his reindeer sweater, but it turned out that his mother was just ahead of her time.
It has become a staple of the festive season. Christmas Jumper Day even has a date on the calendar. For children and twonks.
5. Self help books
Girls who read self-help books in Bridget’s day were considered desperate and definitely not relationship material.
If a man spotted men from Mars and women from Venus on their bookshelf, he would be outside while he was still pulling the condom off (of course, he would wait until he got his leg out before going on bail).
An interest in wellbeing, self-awareness, and unlocking individual power are celebrated these days – but Bridget’s books would be replaced by listening to Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place podcast and following Matt Haig on Instagram.
6th Shagging her boss
After Bridget quit her job at Cleaver, she told her future new boss at Sit Up Britain that she had slept with her previous employer – and he immediately hired her, noting that no one is being laid off for being the boss of his TV Insulted the company.
Of course, things still go on in the workplace. But these days, unsolicited advances from male coworkers would have their dirty dog backs booted out the door. Hello Mister?
7. The bum shot
The infamous slide down the firefighter’s pole when her bum appeared in close-up on TV screens across the country! Her boss also yelled “Get an idea of her breasts” while she was on the air. Totally unacceptable. She would have her union on speed dial and go through bosses faster than Darcy if that happened today.
But if she wanted to post pictures of her boobs and bum on Instagram to celebrate and promote self-love, that’s just great (#JustAsIAm). She could even set up an Only Fans account (an elaborate one, ofc) … a portfolio career has no limits.
8. Naughty bunny costume
First, Bridget probably wouldn’t even go to a tart and pastors party as it’s derogatory to women. Or maybe she’d wear a bunny romper instead and take the opportunity to educate all the terrible old people about how terrible their generation was for women, animals, the planet. And men with beards.
9. Incidental racism and homophobia
Evidence that the Japanese are a cruel race and “poofs”. No, just no.
10. Turkey curry
Bridget would almost certainly try being vegan and request a curry butternut squash instead (while hiding a few chicken vol-ventes in her purse for later when no one is around to judge her).
11. Blue soup
There was no way Bridget would even pretend to be cooking dinner. She either chopped up the mountain of vegetables, which she had bought in a box from the local farm and had not eaten (see above), and handed it out as a Buddha bowl with raw vegetables, or ordered a meal from the little Dane spisested on Deliveroo because “Small Business Support” is their influence.
12. Write off motherhood at 32
The average woman has just gotten a salary where her bank balance at that age doesn’t go back into the red three days after payday. And for most, menopause is still well over a decade away. You are not dried out still! And: options.
13. Married smugly
Tied up at the age of 32, burdened with a mortgage and children … rising property prices, job insecurity, failing schools …. More like married people who have committed suicide! Their freedom is almost 20 years away when the children finally leave home. And they are likely to divorce after years of sexless, joyless marriage to someone they hate but who they stayed with because of the children (statistics don’t lie).
Are you trying to find love again in your fifties because you acted in a rush to fulfill a prescribed life plan? When the stink of boiled onions after sweaty menopause and limp-dick syndrome is in full swing ?! Smug ones no more.
14th “The way you are”
Darcy said he loved Bridget as much as she did. Everything Back when an average looking woman should really be grateful to handsome men whose life was so much more together, she took a look.
These days Bridget would know her self-worth and be on a constant journey of self-improvement – and that is what she would expect from her husbands, too. (At least until she gets really desperate around 41.)
15. Bridget’s apartment
There is no way a publicist who works in publishing can afford this apartment! It is located in Borough, one of the most sought after areas in central London, where a one bedroom apartment rental would cost around £ 1,700 a month. She would probably take home a salary of around £ 2,000 a month. That means she would only buy a bottle of vodka and a pack of Marlborough Lights a week.
And even if the apartment used to belong to her parents, property developers would have made an offer to sell that they just couldn’t say no to. She’d rather be on a train from London Bridge to Chatham every evening. And nobody deserves this, not even singles covered in scales.
Boycott the diary of the sexist Bridget Jones?
Are we going to give up Bridget Jones this Christmas? Hell no, we’ll still be like a dirty rash on Daniel Cleaver’s subregions. But be grateful, times have passed.
Where can I see Bridget Jones’ diary?
What is more of a disappointment is that it doesn’t currently run on Netflix. However, all three films can be purchased from Amazon or with a Sky Cinema Pass.
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